The Saucy Snatchers
by NekyuToi
Summary: Why does Aeris need the each member of the gang by themselves...? Why are they dissapearing, one by one? But the main question is... why do they come back almost a completely different person...?


The Saucy Snatchers

Thank you for taking the time to read this fan-fic based upon Final Fantasy VII, the game which Squaresoft owns.

Chapter One: Cooking

"Yes, that's correct. She's Asian, carries around a Shuriken. Her name? It's Yuffie Kisaragi. Tonight. I think I will be able to, but it'll take a bit of effort... yeah, I know; she has always been a stubborn cow. I'll call you when I'm done, later!" Aeris closed her mobile telephone with a smile upon her lips; tonight was the night Yuffie would join her. The back door of the inn at Kalm burst open, Aeris automatically hiding away her phone inside her pocket, and feeling stupid for doing so; Cloud knew she was making a call anyway.

"Aeris, are you finished yet?" he asked. She laughed weakly and nodded her head. "You know, you should stick to the PHS. It isn't expensive and won't cause you to sleep with old men for money to pay the bills every month."

"Ew, Cloud! Don't be disgusting!" Aeris cried. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back inside the inn.

"Oh, please; it's ironic. ."

-

"This is a delightful meal, Aeris; you've outdone yourself this time." Vincent commented. It was a three-course meal with tobacco flavoured meat, tequila salad and marijuana desserts; everyone was happy with it, and the only person to complain was Tifa.

"I didn't like the meat, it tasted like you burnt it." Tifa sighed, lighting up a cigarette.

"Tifa!" Cid said. "You should know Aeris is only a beginner, of course her first few meals are going to taste like shit."

Everyone closed their eyes and bit their inside lip to contain the laughter.

"Very funny, Cid." Aeris glanced at him evilly as she collected their plates. Tifa's meat piece was almost untouched and later gave Aeris a hell of a job to clean it; Aeris knew that was Tifa's intention. As she walked back in the room, Aeris suggested that everyone leave so she could talk privately with Yuffie. Yuffie, who really did not like Aeris, except when she was a cold corpse rotting in water at that ancient place, kicked Barret in the leg for help.

"Oh, er, Aeris. That was such a kick-ass meal, why don't we jus'.. you know.. uh.. sit 'round the table and talk?" Barret trailed off at the end, it really was a weird suggestion, especially coming from him, but the response he got was weirder. They all look at him and agreed, nodding their heads and starting to chat; Aeris was furious though, she wanted Yuffie all to herself for the ceremony.

"Let's talk about clothes." Tifa suggested. All the blokes, except Cloud, groaned and put their heads on the table as if going to sleep. Yuffie laughed and slapped Barret playfully. Noticing that all of the blokes had done this, Cloud mimicked them and quickly did it too so he wouldn't lose face. They all raised their heads again and listened to the birds wittering on about bloody clothes.

"So, Aeris, where did you get that lovely dress? The charity shop?" Tifa sniggered. Everyone else, except Aeris, laughed. With a bright red face, Aeris retorted.

"No, actually. Midger Shopping Mall in Sector 4."

"Oh, right." Tifa sighed, disinterested.

"Where did you get yours? I imagine the same place as Pamela Anderson, or obese women.."

"...Actually, I get them hand made. If you got them you got to show them off a little." Tifa giggled. She looked down at Aeris' chest. "Then again.."

Aeris quickly folded her arms to hide her non-existent bust and kept quiet. The topic changed radically over the course of their little chat, and Aeris was beginning to lose patience.

After two bottles of wine each, everyone was beginning to slur. Aeris hadn't touched a drop of alcohol though, she needed a clean head for when her and Yuffie were alone. She was glad Yuffie had drank so much alcohol though, she assumed it was make her easier to handle.

"So, how about that.. uh.. you .. that bloke at the chippy? You were.. like.. making eyes at him.." Tifa slurred, as Yuffie blushed.

"Don't be so bloody stupid. I wouldn't!" I like my blokes taller..." she giggled, brushing her leg against Barret's. He let out a cough and pushed her leg away.

"Forget it, bitch! You ain't even legal yet!" he coughed.

"I am in the United Kingdom!"

Everyone looked confused.

"Where?" Tifa asked.

"Oh, never mind." Yuffie jumped on the table, alerting everyone to how drunk she was. "Let's play strip poker!"

"Don't be stupid, we haven't any cards!" Aeris' face was red with anger.

"Alright, Aeris. You've got to take off your dress now." Cloud laughed.

"I still don't see why you carry around these bloody cards, Cid." Aeris snapped; she was losing, badly. They sat around the circular red table in Yuffie's room; laterns were alight on the floor with small candles in them, illuminating their faces. Aeris, with much hesitation, slowly started to take off her dress, when Tifa simply ripped it off.

"Tifa!! You fucking bitch!" Aeris cried. Everyone in the room was laughing, drunk.

"Oh, shut up. They are two a penny in the charity shop anyway. Believe me, you're better with it off." Tifa sniggered, chucking the dress on the floor... in a pool of Cloud's vomit. Aeris sat back down, disgruntled, casting an evil look at Tifa everytime she wasn't looking.

A few moments later...

Aeris cried quietly as she removed her bra, revealing her flat chest and massive nipples.

"Christ, Aeris. Your nipples are bigger than Barrets." Cloud laughed. No one else laughed, they simply looked at him, disbelievingly. Barret coughed and kicked Cloud in the leg.

"...Any... way... Aeris, you are so bad at this. Do you like stripping in front of people or something?" Tifa asked. Aeris took it as a rhetorical question and sat back down, hiding her breasts by folding her arms. "Have you like.. done this as a job or something?"

"Shut it, Tifa. Just get on with it, will you?" Aeris spat back. They played cards, drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes all night, whilst after a while, Aeris sat stark bollock naked during. It was only until 4:23a.m., when Cloud was down to his t-shirt and trousers, Barret to his boxers, Tifa down to her bra and panties, Yuffie fully dressed and all the others et cetera.. that they all decided on going to bed. Everyone, except Yuffie, left the room, but Aeris waited outside the door. After everyone had gone down the corridor, Aeris knocked at Yuffie's door twice.

"Who is it?" Yuffie asked. She sounded drowsy but awake.

"It's Aeris. Can I come in?"

"What do you want?"

"I'll tell you if you let me in."

"Is it that important?"

"Yes! Now let me in."

"You didn't say please."

Aeris was grinding her teeth now.

"PLEASE!"

"Don't shout."

"All right, now let me in."

"...O.K."

Aeris was in Yuffie's room, sitting on the chair where they had played strip poker. Yuffie, very tired, sat on her futon, flicking through her magazine about cars.

"So what did you want to talk to me about, Aer?"

"It's something secret. And call me Aeris!"

"Sorry! Christ, Tifa was right. And what secret is this?

Aeris stood up from the chair and sat down on the futon, taking away the magazine from Yuffie's hands.

"Hey, I was reading that you bi-" Yuffie tried to get the whole sentence out but Aeris had placed her index finger on her lips and shhed her. Wih twinkling eyes, Aeris planted a kiss on Yuffie's cheek; she had to let Yuffie kiss her on the lips for the ritual to begin. "What are you doing?!" Yuffie cried out.

"I don't know why, but I think I'm in love with you, Yuffie."

for a while, Yuffie wasn't creeped out anymore, because no one had said they loved her before. But the creepiness set back in ater she snapped out of her daze.

"Still, you don't just kiss someone without their consent!" Yuffie turned away from Aeris, staring at the window. Outside, ravens were flocking in the pouring rain on a tree branch... as if they were watching Yuffie and Aeris. Yuffie turned back, noticing that Aeris was crying. She didn't like Aeris, hell, she was happy when the bitch was cold, but seeing her like this sparked something up in her. Sighing, and taking a deep breath, she grabbed Aeris by the shoulders and gave her a big kiss... on the lips. Aeris did not close her eyes, but simply smiled. Yuffie pulled back as she noticed the smile and manic look in Aeris' eyes. "What is it?" she asked. "Aeris!?"

Meanwhile, down in Tifa's room... Tifa sat in her bed; she was very drunk but she couldn't sleep; something was bothering her. She lit up a cigarette, stood up and walked to her window. It was a large wooden window with rice paper in its frame, she would have to slide it open to see outside, but they were all like this on the first floor. Opening the window she noticed how warm it was outside, that was when she noticed a light was on above her; the light was coming from Yuffie's room. Was she still awake? Tifa dwelled on the idea. Maybe, but Yuffie tended to go out like a light once she had had a few. Crows, or ravens, were cawing above. Flicking her cigarette outside through the window, Tifa closed it and rubbed her arms. Maybe Tifa should try out her new sleep remedy on Yuffie to help her. Slipping on her slippers she left her room, making sure to blow out any candles.

The corridor was dead silent, and dark. The only illumination came from the lanterns hanging outside every room. She passed through Room 106, 107, 108 and 109 until she came to the stairs the and red lift. Thinking about how late it was she really did not want to use the lift as it made a lot of noise.. besides.. she didn't want to become trapped in there either, on the off chance it broke down. As she was about to place her left foot on the first step of the stairs she heard a cry and then something that sounded like: "No, stop!". It was Yuffie. Rushing up the stairs she eventually came to Floor 3, knackered. Rushing down the corridor she came to Yuffie's room.

Tifa took a deep breath and flung the door open, revealing an empty room with lights turned on and the bed spread sprawled haphazardly all over the floor. What could of happened? She rushed over to the open window to see if Yuffie had fallen out in a drunken stumble. With one great sigh of relief she noticed that Yuffie was not lying dead three floors below. Highly confused Tifa searched the room to no avail; Yuffie was nowhere to be seen. Now sober, Tifa rubbed one side of her face, smudging the make-up that dwelled upon it. Worry crept in now, so she rushed outside and ran down to Cloud's room to inform him of Yuffie's dissappearance.

Cloud was tired, after a few wine shandies he was totally pissed, but not enough so to neglect his nightly regime. Firstly, he got the brush out of his bag and began to comb his hair. After a while the gel started to come out and his hair fell on his face, straight. He sighed, shoved some face cream on his mush and started to climb into bed. Just as he was about to slip into the silken covers a violent bang came from his rooms door.

"Cloud! Cloud, open up!" It was Tifa. What could she want so late at night? Cloud had a pretty good idea...

Acting quickly, he jumped out of the covers and into the female lingerie that turned Tifa on so much. Lighting a few candles as the door continued to bang, he sat as sexily as he could on the bed and said: "Come in...". The door flew open revealing Tifa, wide-eyed and breathing heavily.

"You aren't supposed to look like that until after, darling.." Cloud sniggered.

"What?! Why the hell are you dressed like that? Yuffie has gone missing!" she replied.

"What?"

"You heard, come on!" she shouted. She grabbed Cloud by the arm and dragged him outside of the room as Cloud fought back; he didn't want to be seen like this outside! The commotion had awoken most of the people on the floor and they saw Cloud in all of his glory... female knickers, fish net stocking and a push-up bra corset. Tifa ignored their shocked faces and dragged him up to Yuffie's room. As they entered, Cloud noticed that Tifa was not hallucinating because of the alcohol but Yuffie really was gone. They seach the room from top to bottom but couldn't find her, the only thing they found was Aeris, who was lying on the bathroom floor.

"Aeris, wake up!" Cloud tried to shake her awake. Tifa bent over Cloud and slapped Aeris extremely hard around the face. Aeris came round after that. "Good job, Tifa, she's awake!"

"Huh? What did I do?" she replied. Cloud ingored her and lifted Aeris off the floor, throwing her onto his bed. She banged her head on the bed post and groaned in pain. As she was stirring Cloud sat beside her and asked her what had happened. Cloud listened intently to her story, whilst Tifa picked at her nails.

It seems that earlier Aeris and Yuffie were sat in this room discussing how to make bread when suddenly something opened the window. Aeris couldn't see what it was because of the curtains it got caught in. As she and Yuffie backed away from it, Aeris slipped on the floor and fell into the bathroom, banging her head on the floor. That was all she could remember before Cloud shook her awake. The story seemed to be accepted by Cloud, but Tifa had some reserve.

"What was this thing shaped like?" Tifa asked.

"Well..." Aeris appeared to be searching her memory. "I think, human like. It wasn't a monster or anything... I couldn't tell under the curtains. It must have taken Yuffie whilst I was unconscious."

"Why didn't it kill you?"

"I don't know, it must have just wanted Yuffie.."

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't expecting a response.."

"...Aeris, we've got to find her." Cloud butted in. "Do you have any idea where she might be?"

"I don't, I'm sorry." Aeris sulked and hung her head in shame.

"So you should be, Aeris!" Tifa shouted. "She could be dead because you're so clumsy!" Cloud walked out of the room to inform the others, leaving Tifa and Aeris alone. "I'll search the room for evidence." she murmured. Looking around on the floor she came upon a piece of paper sticking out from the window frame. What could it be? She pulled it out and looked to see if anything was written upon it. Only one thing: Qingfei Yihuo Palace. What could it mean? A palace? She tucked it into her robe's pocket, not informing Aeris of its existance, she still couldn't rule her out as a suspect of Yuffie's dissapearance.

-

The whole gang, save Yuffie, sat around the table in the cockpit of the Highwind. The room was very smoky; Cid was smoking a lot, it seemed he missed Yuffie a lot.

"You didn't have to leave me with the bill, you bastards." Aeris cried. Everyone ignored her as they planned their next move of action to find Yuffie.

"I say we visit this place, you guys." Tifa said, taking out the Qingfei piece of paper she found. Placing upon the table they all looked at it.

"I know where that is!" Cait Sith cried out. "It's a 'pleasure bar' for women and men. It is situated outside of Midgar, about two miles away from it."

"You're pretty sick to know that, Cait." Vincent whispered. His hair blew about wildly in the wind as he smoked one of the fags he nicked from Cid's pack.

"Oh, shut up. I know where it is because I used to usher people in there."

"Anyway,..." Tifa sighed. "I found it at the scene of the crime. A clue?" They all agreed to visit this place at once, ignoring Aeris' plea to clean the dishes and clean up the place. To be honest, they were sickened by her complete disregard of Yuffie's kidnapping.

An hour later they had all arrived at Qingfei Yihuo Palace, a large red building constructed out of expensive wood and ivory. The large neon sign (COME INSIDE FOR YOU NEEDS...) flickered next to the entrance door, a hefty set of durable, white-wood double doors. The neon sign cheapened the building somewhat, but our heroes weren't bothered by it.

"It seems to be quiet today. Not a lot of people come here on a Tuesday." Cait whispered. It was true, they hadn't seen a person leave or enter in a while as they stood outside it.

"Are we going to go inside, or what?" Barret questioned. They all nodded their heads and headed for the entrance, leaving a trail of footprints in the tall grass that circled around the building, presumably to hide it from the feds; it was illegal to have this type of place in international grasslands...

Aftering entering the building they came upon the reception area. It was a circular room split into four by the four doorways in the north, south, east and west directions. On the north-east and north-west circular wall was a red sofa, on the other two were reception desks; the room was empty apart from our heroes. Examining the room, they could see that posters had been put on the walls of naked men and women; the women were the generic super model: thin, massive tits and blonde hair. The blokes were typical muscle kind with muscles bigger than their brains. After dragging Cloud away from the male poster, Tifa pointed out the CCTV camera on the ceiling.

"It seems this place was as Cait said. Why do you think they brought Yuffie here, Tifa?" Cloud whispered; they didn't want to be heard.

"I don't know, Cloud. Maybe to work as a sex object for the guys who frequent here, I suppose. We should split up to look for her, don't you think?" she whispered to everybody. They nodded their heads and all headed for a door, seperated into groups. Cid, Barret and Red XIII went in one group, Tifa, Aeris and Cloud in another group (much to Tifa's dismay), Vincent and Cait Sith in the last group. As they were about to open the doors, a small Asian lady in a red, skin-tight dress appeared out of the northern door and pushed them into the centre of the room.

"Hello, customer! You want secret, sexual shagshag?" she smiled. They all pulled weird faces and nodded their heads. They all had the understand that they would have to act as customers to get anywhere. They were all split up by the Asian lady and ushered into different rooms where they received different treatments...

Meanwhile, in a dark room somewhere in the building, the light room a TV in the centre of it flickered wildly as it displayed the whole gang in the reception area. The figure under a blanket that sat in front the TV laughed almost a whisper of a laugh. For an instant, when no one could see her, Aeris winked at the CCTV Camera, which displayed on the TV. The figure winked back, although no one else could see it.

Cloud, Tifa and Aeris entered into one of the rooms of the building; Cloud was a little worried when he saw the sign on the door: 'Manic Men', and tried to back out.

"Please, Cloud. This is for Yuffie." Tifa whispered. The room was illuminated by many red laterns on the sides of the walls. In the centre of the room were three large beds decked out with blue silk sheets and what looked like a spitton full of opaque liquid.

"Time for secret massage." the Asian lady smiled. She left the room, closing the doors and locking them behind her. "Get on bed!" she laughed through the door. They did as they were told, CCTV cameras were in this room too. As they all lied down, the southern wall slid open revealing three blokes in thongs. Cloud resisted a shout to get out as they approached them.

"Hi, peeps. I'm Biggs." one said.

"I'm Vicks."

"And I am Wedge. Now that you know our names, let us get down to business..." They all chuckled and placed their hands in the spittons by the sides of the beds. "Get clothes off and lie on your fronts!" he commanded. They did as they were told; the room was so dark Vicks did not notice that Cloud was a bloke; Biggs, Vicks and Wedge started to give each of them a sexy massage, groaning and moaning as they did so.

Barret, Cid and Red were in similar positions, although with three birds, all Russian. They were very commanding, and in the blue, large room that they were in they ordered all three of the to sit down as they 'relieved their tension'. Barret and Red resisted, simply sitting in the corner of the room whilst Cid put up no resistance and took on all three. All Barret and Red could do was close their eyes and Cid 'relieved his tension' with the three Russian birds. They knew he was done after the moaning stopped and smokey smells filled the room.

Vincent and Cait Sith were not quite in the same position as the others, as they were in a tea room drinking coffee and chatting with two women in what they called the 'relationship room'. It was a room developed to emulate a relationship of lovers, without the sex. Vincent didn't mind; the coffee was great,... even if it had illegal drugs in it. Cait was not so happy; he couldn't drink the coffee nor ever had a relationship, so didn't know what to talk about. After a while the effects of the drug had settled in and Cait had to listen to Vincent babbled on about Lucrecia whilst sobbing wildly for ages.

Back in the 'Manic Men' room, the situation had changed to a more explicit scenario. Aeris, Tifa and Cloud were taken to seperate parts of the room, concealed from one another by a partitioning screen set up for privacy. Cloud had learnt that Vicks was bi-sexual, and didn't even mind if Cloud didn't pay. Five minutes was all it took, that and some illegal drugs, for Cloud to relax. It only took Tifa and Aeris a few seconds before they had their legs around their blokes and started to enjoy themselves. After they were done they all stepped out from behind the partitioning screens dressed in robes and hovered together as the three blokes departed back through the sliding door.

"Cloud.. you didn't?!" Tifa whispered; she noticed Cloud was huffing and puffing.. he was also sweaty.

"...No! It's hot in here..." he whimpered; Tifa didn't notice the guilty look in his eyes. "Anyway, it was your bloody idea to come here in the first place!"

"Keep your voice down! We might find Yuffie here." The Asian lady came back in as Tifa retorted, with some tea. She offered them to relax a while whilst they set up the next round of secret servicing. Cloud didn't think he could take much more so dragged Tifa and Aeris to look around for Yuffie after the lady had gone.


End file.
